Geek Pride

January 28, 2003 by David Blackman

This weekend has reminded me that Im a geek. Its not like I've forgotten, and its not like I try to hide it. The multitude of computers and computer parts covering my desk gives most people a fairly accurate first impression of me. But sometimes, just sometimes, itd be nice to forget about being a geek and all the negative connotations that come with it.

I went to my first frat party this weekend. I feel like I've just discovered an alien culture. Id been trying to get people to explain to me what makes a party qualify as good. They all seem to have the same elements booze, music and people. So what makes one lame?

I learned a long time ago, back when the freshmen dorms in Wilbur were experimenting with throwing their parties, that achieving a critical mass of people is key, but as far as I could guess frats dont have that problem. No one expects those parties to be lame in the same way they expect the silly freshman parties to be lame.

On the way to KA, I had the theory of party relativity explained to me in simple terms. At a party of a decent size, the experience of each person differs based on their success that night. Success meaning anything from getting to dance with a girl to getting to hook up with a girl. There are two essential skills needed to pull off a successful night of partying. One is the ability to socialize and the other is the ability to dance.

I stood on the dance floor and watched my friends try to dance their way up to two girls and utterly fail. I watched guys try to figure out where to focus their eyes when dancing alone, and these were guys, mostly white, like myself, who have an inability to dance at all. There is nothing worse than feeling uncomfortable on a dance floor.

Its even worse when your friends point out a girl you should go after. You feel sheepish about it, see some guy seemingly dancing like a spaz, and, a minute later, theyre grinding like animals. How does this all work? It mystifies me. I still have yet to test out the theory that alcohol makes it easier. I tried to dance, but once I realized how silly I looked, I stopped. The dance floor isn't where I belong. I have no rhythm. Its been confirmed. At some point in the past few years I've even lost the ability to clap in unison in a crowd. When truly forced on to the dance floor against my will, I need to rely on my education from the Center for Talented Youth, also known as nerd camp.

I can do the CTY Dance in which I somewhat rhythmically bend my knees in time to the music. At CTY dances, all the geeks and nerds and four-eyes and spazzes and dorks would stand around in big circles and bend our knees. It worked. And then when Its the end of the world as we know it came on, wed all run around like crazy and then go home and call it a good night. I havent progressed much since then. The bending the knees thing I can do, but then I notice all these people around me moving their feet and using their arms, and as soon as I try to integrate that into my dance repitoire, everything falls apart, and I realize its time to take my rightful place on the sidelines of mainstream social life.

Sure I can socialize. I do it all the time. Its a requirement of living in a dorm. I can do introductions and make chit-chat and small talk, and sometimes I can even flirt with girls when Im feeling brazen enough.

These arent skills that come naturally to me. Its taken me years to build them up to this point, but it all comes crashing down as soon as I find myself in the vicinity of a party. I dont know when everyone else acquired these skills; maybe I missed it when I opted to watch anime with my friends on Friday nights during high school. The day after the frat party was the Super Bowl. I dont care about the Super Bowl. I might have cared if the Jets had been playing. Thats my Queens, N.Y., pride (even if they do play in New Jersey), but they werent. So the only thing that got me excited was the trailer for the new Matrix movies. Slip-ups like these are reminding me that the geek inside wants out. (See: http://www.ernestcline.com/airwolf/, trust me, its funny).

People try to console me. They remind me that I can write, interact in social situations and had a girlfriend. I like to rollerblade and bike long distances, and my skin isn't pale and pasty. All very atypical features of a geek. But thats all superficial. Underneath it all, theres a geek. The mop of hair is just a cover. Just beneath the surface is a guy who has the urge to spend sleepless nights hunched over a laptop surrounded by empty cans of Jolt and listening to the Matrix soundtrack.

Id rather spend a night watching reruns of the campy BBC-TV production of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, and going MST3k on it. Im not sleeping until I unlock all the secret characters in Soul Caliber and their third outfits. I need to have a recording of every Radiohead concert ever performed on my computer. I want enough monitors on my desk that the radiation from them gives my skin the healthy glow that I can normally only get from being outside.

I am a geek, and thats nothing to be ashamed of.

David Blackman is looking for fellow-geek brethren. You can e-mail him at blackmad@stanford.edu.

David Blackman is looking for fellow-geek brethren. You can e-mail him at blackmad@stanford.edu.